How To Change A Self Centered Husband: My Husband Is Insensitive To My Feelings
How to change a self centered husband - My husband is insensitive to my feelings.
Joe's selfishness drives Lorraine crazy
Lorraine was infuriated. She got in her car, raced the engine and zoomed into the street, the screeching tires magnifying her frustrated rage. She'd show him! Let him worry about where she was, whether she was okay, and sweat over when she would be back. He'd soon find out how valuable she was when he had to bathe the kids and put them to bed, and had no one to complain to about his tough day at work.
What a selfish and self-centered man he was! He had done it again- made it all about him. She asked for one weekend to spend with her girlfriend, but Joe's work commitments and deadlines came first. He objected to being the sole care taker of the kids.
Joe's predictable behavior makes Lorraine feel superior
As her rage subsided, a smug smile danced on Lorraine's face. It made her feel secure that Joe had behaved exactly as predicted. Her anger was validated. He truly deserved the bad guy label because he put himself first, last and always.
What's in it for kind, considerate Lorraine to be with egotistical and selfish Joe?
There are five pay offs for Lorraine to stay mad at Joe.
1. He's bad, so I am good!
When he is inconsiderate and unreasonable Lorraine feels superior and good about herself. All the bad stuff seems situated in Joe.
2. He's bad, so I don't have to feel guilty or selfish!
Each time Joe puts himself first, Lorraine doesn't have to deal with her discomfort about wanting time away from the kids. If her selfish streak was let out of the bag, she would feel guilty and awful about herself. Far better to let Joe own the self-centered parts of each of them.
3. He never supports me, so now I have something to get him on!
Joe's reluctance to give Lorraine what she wants is disappointing. But it allows her to think of herself as a long suffering martyr. Resentful and full of righteous indignation, Lorraine can punish him as she sees fit. She can torture him by running off and making him worry. She can use his selfish acts as whips to lash him with whenever she needs to feel powerful and in control.
4. Joe is responsible for making me feel so awful!
By handing over the reins to Joe Lorraine makes it about him by putting him in charge. She makes him the captain of the ship and then gets enraged when he exercises the authority to steer the course he thinks best.
5. He needs to change, not me!
Entrusting Joe with the sole responsibility for her happiness means that Lorraine sets herself up for a great deal of heartache, stress and low self-esteem. She sabotages herself by giving control to Joe.
However she is willing to pay that price so long as she can blame him for being mean and uncaring. Since he is the bad guy, he is the one who has to change. As the good guy Lorraine is let off the hook and avoids accessing her personal resources for managing her life.
How can Lorraine feel good without making Joe bad?
1. By making arrangements in advance with family, friends, neighbors and Joe for the care of the children when she wants to get away.
2. By involving her team in supporting her plan. That makes Joe feel useful rather than burdened. Joe is more likely to encourage her to take a much needed break.
3. By taking the lions share of responsibility in achieving her goals makes it more likely that she will feel fulfilled. Joe will be attracted to her independence and want to be included in her ventures.
4. Lorraine has to chose self-empowerment more than the superior feeling and vindication she gets when she punishes Joe.
5 Switching from battle mode where there is only one victor to a win-win mode allows both Lorraine and Joe to feel good. That involves giving up the belief that relationships are all about " I did --- for you, so I expect and demand that you do --- for me." Lorraine has to do things in her marriage because she wants to, not only because of what it may bring her in return.
6. This may be difficult for Lorraine to get her head around. At this moment there is a pay off for her in setting Joe up to be the bad guy. Her reward is feeling saintly. If she is willing to allow both of them to have good bits and bad bits instead of apportioning them out, she can be find greater acceptance of herself and her partner, making the relationship flexible and battle free.
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The stereotypical husband is warned on the wedding day as part of a best man's speech: "Now, the best advice I can give is don't forget her birthday or your wedding anniversary!" (Laughter ripples through the room.)
What is said in jest becomes very serious in a flash when the unthinkable becomes a reality.
Forgiving such transgressions can be subject to accepting certain facts:
1. They didn't mean to forget. Life is busy and the conscious human mind has no way of separating unimportant data from crucial information, especially in the presence of overload.
2. Some people are better with dates than others are. I've known families where one brother has been a world champion at recalling dates and another sibling's been woeful at it. Neither of them was that way by intention.
3. What is important to us is either important or not-so-important to the next person. Just because we hold a date high up on the list of importance - attaching to it meaning that mightn't be valid (at least for them) - doesn't mean they will. They might see love transacted in such different ways. "Different" isn't wrong. Their ways of loving are probably just as sincere and meaningful.
4. Staying in hurt territory is not doing the relationship any good - for us or them. This is both relevant in the moment, and as the issue becomes history. Will the event of forgetting that date cause any acrimony in the future? We can't afford to attach resentment to these issues. It comes back to bite us.
Additionally:
5. In apologising for the facts, the forgetting partner can make good of their promise to improve. Systems and tools are effective for ensuring the same mistakes are not repeated. Diaries, reminders and prompts are commonplace these days; few things should be forgotten... but then we're all human (though sometimes that's an excuse).
Notwithstanding all the above, when important dates are forgotten it does come across as disrespectful to the relationship - a sort of unfaithfulness. We can empathise with those who've suffered this sort of discomfiture; both sides.
Forgetfulness these days is not always an indication of a lack of care, though it can be. Quite often people get trapped into such busyness they have little control over their own thoughts, let alone their schedules. Most of us have known such seasons of frenetic life.
But it all comes back to 'forgetting' the hurt of forgetfulness regarding our loved ones' perceived lack of forethought.
Active forgiveness (i.e. forgiveness without delay) is the best way to move forward.
You CAN save your marriage - even if your spouse says that they want a divorce.
You CAN rebuild that passion you felt for one another when you first kissed. And you can bring back that love and devotion you felt for one another when both of you said, "I love you" for the first time.
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