Marriage Problems After First Baby: My Husband Ignores Me After Having Baby
Marriage problems after first baby - My husband ignores me after having baby.
Remember the childhood rhythm: Susie and Tommy sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G, first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage? So where does the love go when the baby comes? Where does the spark and excitement of the relationship slip away to?
Most people would say that the excitement evaporates in a haze of sleeplessness and dirty diapers, and in some sense that is true. Most couples identify the beginning of the distance that grows between them (and too often threatens to topple the marriage) to that very time that we feel should be full of joy and excitement.
The truth of the matter is that having children is a wonderful addition to a relationship and also the very thing that can cause distress and a shutting down of the feelings that brought the two of you together as a couple. Too often after children enter the picture couples fall into the set patterns of caretaker and provider and lose their sense of who they were when they met. Couples get caught in these new roles and forget to nurture the very relationship that brought the new life into being! They lose sight of the fact that it is important for their child's growth to see their parents expressing affection and enjoying each other's company in a playful and respectful way.
So what can be done?
First and foremost, it is important to catch the problem as early as possible. But have no fear, if the children are many, and have grown beyond infancy there is still hope for putting your relationship back on track! To begin with, it is necessary for you and your partner to truly take time to be together. Being good parents is a wonderful and admirable thing, but not at the risk of forgetting about your relationship.
In her book, Mating in Captivity, Esther Perel says, "Indeed, in our culture the survival of the family depends on the happiness of the couple. But cultivating the ideal relationship requires care and attention, and this competes directly with the "full-contact" parenting many of us embrace." It is necessary for us to believe that taking time to nurture our relationship is as important (maybe even more important) than taking our child to every extracurricular activity that we have been told will increase our child's chances of getting into the best Ivy League university.
It is not selfish to take time to be "off-duty" and be a vibrant adult. Effective parenting is not about total self-sacrifice and self-denial. Children who see their parents enjoying themselves will develop a healthy sense of what adulthood is about, along with what a well balanced marriage looks like. As children see you relate to your partner in healthy ways, they will develop the confidence to do the same in their relationships.
Managing the Logistics
This is often one of the most difficult things that couples face. They are so busy with work and the logistics of children that they feel that they are just too tired to nurture the relationship. The good news is that you don't need to go to Paris or have candlelight dinners every night. You can nurture the relationship by taking some time to be together. It can even be as little as 5-10 minutes a day if that is all you can manage. What is important is that you and your partner are carving time out for yourself. Sit together on the couch and hold hands, have a cup of tea or a glass of wine. Talking is not so important, it is simply the act of being together that elevates your relationship to something that is worthy of it's own time and space.
Use this time to recall the things that brought you together. What was it about your partner that you found so appealing, so exciting. Spend some time reminiscing about how the relationship was at the very beginning. Share these thoughts with each other if you wish. This is the frame of mind that you want to attain now, even with a house full of children. Certainly you cannot act in exactly the same way that you did when you were footloose and fancy free, but remembering those special times will allow you to begin to move out of the staleness that the relationship may have fallen into.
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Dating? I thought that I'd never have to do that again once I got married.
Though it may seem counter intuitive, it is important to date your spouse. There are a lot of ways to do this. Perhaps it is difficult to find a babysitter. If that is the case take some quiet time together after the children go to sleep. Make a special occasion out of it. Have a special dessert or open a special bottle of wine. What you do is not as important as actually creating the time to be together. Have a friend or relative come to the house to spend time with the children so that you can have a few hours alone together. A student at the local high school is the perfect person to entertain the children while you and your partner relax in another room (with strict orders that that room is off limits to children!) Work out a trade with another couple so that you can help each other take time to spend alone with your mate.
What kinds of things did you and your partner do when you first began dating? What did you talk about as you got to know one another? That is the natural place to start, you know that those activities are things that you enjoy sharing with each other. Is it a hike in the park, a walk on the beach, a lively discussion about a book or a film? You want to begin to recapture the quality of excitement and aliveness that defined the beginning of the relationship.
If you are able to actually go out together put some ground rules in place. The date to go out to dinner is not the appropriate place to continue the argument that may have erupted earlier in the day. It is not the time or place to discuss the children's sports or doctors appointments. Setting some basic ground rules before you enter the restaurant or the theatre will help to make this a fun and satisfying time and not an expensive (and public) argument.
We've been married for so many years, what do we talk about?
Find things to talk about that allow you to rediscover your partner. Believe it or not, even after years of marriage you probably don't know everything about your partner. What has been happening at work? How are they feeling about the politics of the day? Have they read or heard anything of interest? Pretend that you don't know this person who is sitting opposite you. If you can begin to have a sense of inquiry and curiosity about that person you will learn new and exciting things about them and your relationship will become more exciting.
Although it may sound contrary to what I have been saying, try to also do some things away from your partner. Develop hobbies or go out with friends. Nourish those secret dreams that you have had. Perhaps you can take an acting class or learn a new language. You will be surprised that creating this kind of healthy distance will actually inject some excitement back into your relationship. You will be excited and sharing that energy with your partner will work to revive the initial spark that brought you two together. A healthy balance of family time, dating and alone time will really spruce up your marriage!
Romance your partner, it will bring a lot of joy to your marriage and to your family.
You can regain some of the energy of your early relationship in fairly easy ways, but you have to be willing to change your mindset and take the time for yourselves to refresh the marriage. A wink, a knowing smile, a note left in their briefcase or on the bathroom mirror, a text message on their Blackberry or a gentle touch can go a long way to create connection with your partner. You will be happier, your relationship will be strengthened and your children will grow into adults who learn that parenting does not need to signal the end of strong and vibrant adult relationships. You will model for them the way to be both a parent and a healthy partner. What a truly wonderful gift to give your children!
You CAN save your marriage - even if your spouse says that they want a divorce.
You CAN rebuild that passion you felt for one another when you first kissed. And you can bring back that love and devotion you felt for one another when both of you said, "I love you" for the first time.
If you feel like your marriage is worth fighting for, then do yourself a favour and visit the next page that will teach you everything you need to know about salvaging the most important thing in the world: Save Your Marriage Now
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